Breakfast at the heartbreakhotel - Valentines Lifehacks for singles

12 February 2017

Not your valentine

Valentines day…. That day of the year when your sweetheart takes you out on a date, treats you to flowers and nice lingerie, right? Well unless you happen to be single, lonely and crying into your Ryan Gosling Pillow. BUT do not fear for I am with you – I mean,… here to give you some advice on how to have a blast without a date – And I am an expert in this field.

1.)    Book a table in a little teahouse for you and your best single friend. It has to be a nice one, where you get five sugary pink cupcakes, macarons and little heart shaped finger sandwiches on a cute cakestand. Take a selfie of you and the cake, post it on Facebook, hashtag #girlpower #independentwomen #this-could-be-us-but-you-a-liar. Then skip the food, order Champagne and badmouth your Exes.

2.)    If you´re a student – stay in your pyjamas. If you work, put them on as soon as you get home. Go to the Supermarket – in said pyjamas. Buy peanut butter, Nutella, KitKat, giant cookies with Belgian chocolate, and so on. Spread all your purchases on the couch table, wrap yourself in a blanket and put a movie on. Acceptable movies are Bridget Jones 1-3, 500 days of summer, submarine, and He´s not that into you. Eat Nutella and Peanut Butter from the Jar, use cookies and chocolate bars as spoons. At this point you should realize how awesome your life is because food tastes far better than wo/men.

3.)    What´s better than a girls nightout?! First, you should get ready together. Put all the slap on, more is more. If it comes to your hair, think big. This is finally THE chance to wear that dress your Ex hated – without feeling weird. Have a few drinks at home, ideally you start performing all your favourite songs. Acceptable songs are Wannabe – Spice Girls, Waterfalls – TLC,  Survivor – Destinys Child, Fergielicious – Fergie, I´ll kill her – Soko, Pussy Make the rules – Brooke Candy, Left eye – Kreayshawn. Take a taxi to the fanciest bar in town, ask the driver to turn up the music. (And to stop at the cashpoint.) In the bar, sing along to your favourite Beyoncé Tune. If the Bartender looks annoyed, you are probably not loud enough.

4.)    SPA DAY! What could be more relaxing than this?  Look for a lovely retreat in the country side, pack your bikini, a cosy jumper and a good book. Acceptable books are Francoise Sagan – Bonjour Tristesse, Girlboss – Sophia Amoruso, M Train – Patti Smith, Mrs Dalloway – Virgina Wolf, Mansfield Park – Jane Austen. Get a massage, get a facial, read by the pool, take some bikini selfies while looking super healthy and relaxed. Accidently send them to your Ex on snapchat - at least now s/he remembers why you´re too good for them.  Have a smoothie bowl, an avocado sandwich, poached eggs – or any other instaready food for lunch.  #lifestyle

5.)    This is probably the most difficult idea. Pretend it´s not Valentines day. First thing in the morning, do not check Instagram/ Facebook / the newspaper/ or the radio. You don´t need that kind of negativity in your life. Then go straight to work, ignore the shop windows todays. You can always spend money tomorrow. If Linda from work tries to brag with the present she got from her successful fiancé, say something like “Oh happy birthday babe.” Then walk away before she can say anything. At home, watch a Horror Movie. It´s the most inappropriate thing to do on Valentines day. Then, fall asleep, problem ignored.

6.)    Go out/Get tinder & meet a new potential partner. Do not ask me for advice because my expertise stopped after 5.)

1 comment

  1. aha I have an assignment due on valentines day so I'm having a super romantic day. A couple of year ago me and my friends had a valentines day and even though I wasn't single I'm glad I did that, it was such a fun girly night!

    The Quirky Queer


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